Sandberg: Make some space for Deck Time
By Amy Sandberg
Not to jinx it, but I have a great relationship with my partner. Almost five years strong, it keeps getting stronger. So much so we’re both in a daily state of awe, gratitude and wonderment. I try to make sense of why it works so well, and am even asked by friends what our secret is. Since I can’t think of a way to monetize the secret, I’ve decided to make public, for free, a big part of our secret. It’s what we call “Deck Time.”
Amy Sandberg
Deck Time came into being at our first house we shared. The deck overlooked the Pacific Ocean. We spent many of our waking hours on this deck appreciating the view and talking about whatever percolated to the surface. Soon we began to schedule Deck Time into our busy lives. When we’d had a long day or were faced with a tough decision one of us would say “let’s take some deck time and talk about it.” Deck Time became a metaphor for checking in with each other and sharpening the saw of our relationship.
I haven’t done a scientific study, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that not enough couples make space in their lives for Deck Time. We frequently walk the beach at sunset and are always amazed by how few people are outside enjoying the sunset from their oceanfront balconies and/or decks. The only thing to explain this is that it’s like when I lived in New York City and never once visited the Empire State Building or Statue of Liberty. I figured there would always be time for that.
But time has a pesky habit of slipping through our fingers like a handful of sand off the beaches we take for granted. The problem with an “it can wait” attitude is that sometimes it can’t. How many times have you heard about the person who postponed their bucket list items until they retired, only to die suddenly or were stricken with illness? In the movie, “The Descendants,” a couple’s marriage is on the rocks because it had been untended for too long. The wife is in a boating accident and after a long coma, eventually dies. The husband is left to deal with the what ifs. What if he hadn’t been a workaholic? What if he’d told her how much he appreciated what a great mother she was? And so on.
The value of Deck Time — which could be sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, going for a walk, etc. — is that carving out time in your life to tend to important people and/or issues will feed your relationships and lessen your stress. Not carving out the time translates into sweeping the issues or relationships under the rug in hopes that whatever needs to get tended to will disappear on its own or will still be fixable when you eventually (if ever) find the time to address it.
We also do a lot of “blue sky thinking” on the deck. Blue sky thinking is the practice of developing creative ideas that are not limited by current thinking or beliefs. For instance, last night we discussed a vision for our wedding day which is coming up soon. In the past we’ve discussed ideas for new phone apps we’d like to develop together, or how we’d like to structure our time after both the kids are on their own — assuming that ever happens! There’s something about just staring off in the distance that inspires one to think about limitless possibilities. I feel emboldened — almost anonymous — to have a vista to focus, especially when discussing difficult issues. The silences are less awkward, and I choose my words carefully when there’s a line on the horizon connecting us to one another in addition to the direct eye-to-eye line connecting our deepest selves.
The next time you’re having trouble getting through a difficult spot in life or your relationship, or you just want to feed your relationship and share your thoughts and your day, don’t kid yourself into thinking you don’t have time to stop and sharpen your saw because you’re too busy sawing. Rather, suggest some Deck Time. If not now, when? If not you, who?
Reach Sandberg at sandberg8462@yahoo.com.
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on Jun 29 2012. Filed under Columnists.
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Great advice Amy.
My wife and I have also found that time in the car together can serve the same function. We never listen to the radio or ipod when we're together in the car, even on long road trips.We'd much rather chat with each other.
Just curious, why do you call your husband partner?
First, because he's not my husband (yet).
Second, because at almost 50 calling my partner of 5 years my "boyfriend" seems somehow juvenile.
Third, because he is my partner and even when we're married will continue to be, Though I may then call him "husband" more than partner once wer're married, he will always be my partner.
Fifty ?
49 & 11/12ths
Probably because husbands and wives are partners.
I think this is a great article on making time in our hectic lives to just enjoy each other. We have an RV and on our longer road trips we really find it's enjoyable to just "be". There are period of talking and periods of just enjoying each other's company. I think as your relationship deepens and the years start adding up you'll find your deck time becomes even more meaningful.
Not to be cynical, but I think a relationship should have continous deck time. Why must you wait for a romantic setting to find out your partner's feelings about issues. I would hate to think my life is so hectic that I have to totally block out the world to have an interchange, even when going down the road in our RV listening to Merle Haggard in the background.
I'm not sure why Tom, but it does seem like making time for each other can sometimes fall to the bottom of the priority list when there are jobs, kids, bills, and social commitments to keep up with. I think it's a good question though, and if we didn't sometimes take our partners for granted it wouldn' t need to be asked.
Tom, your comments are always worth reading. I like and agree with your analogy much more than I do the authors. Thanks for keeping it simple.
Y'all are a tough audience to please!! I write a column about how to nurture a relationship and you still find a way to poke holes in it. Cynics indeed!
Amy, does this mean I probably won't be invited to the wedding?
I agree I was possible out of order with my comments, but you must know public figures are fair game if the response to your opinion is rational, which I think mine was.
I am happy for you and your partner and hope your life together is as full filling as mine has been.
Thank you Tom :)
Seriously? People are giving thumbs down to a thank you?
I'm tellin' ya Amy – even when you're positive you just can't win. Same 6 people. I enjoyed this article and agree that unless you're retired, it can be tough with today's stresses to get enough deck time.
I knew we couldn't go a day without hearing from you. What happened to your score? Are you starting over hoping for a different outcome?