Will Wooton: What if someone doesn’t want to be helped?
By Will Wooton
Can you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?
Will Wooton
After 15 years of running groups, counseling individuals, speaking engagements, lectures, and book signings, I’m asked — almost challenged — with the idea that, “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help, so why try?”
We’ve all heard this in different forms, whether it’s “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” or “each person must reach their own bottom before they are ready.”
I hear this from kids and parents alike. Often as a reason for taking no action to stop the enablement or drug abuse that the family is hooked into. It’s used as a defensive tool to redirect the conversation or as a justification to continue a dysfunctional cycle.
Push them to decide they want to quit
The simple answer is, no you can’t. No person can make someone who wants to get high stop. I only wish it was that easy. Perhaps a magic pill or a good stern, rational talking-to and everything will get better. This is not reality. Addiction is far more complicated and devious than that.
The important question is not “Can you make someone stop” but “Can you make someone decide they want to stop.” The answer to the second question is yes and it’s the key point of adolescent treatment.
Treatment providers can’t wait for teens to call and say, “Hello, I’m Johnny and I smoke way too much pot. Can you please help me get off it?” If we did, there would be a very small amount of treatment needed. It can happen but, believe me, it’s rare.
Challenge, change a harmful belief system
What effective treatment does is challenge the belief system that allows someone to think that his or her behavior is healthy. To force an honest look at what’s going on around them. To point out the realities of what’s happening to them and the potential problems that lay ahead. And cognitively restructure how they see things. By shifting their awareness of how their abuse is affecting their lives, then and only then will they want to stop. That’s the goal.
Who would want to stop something that they view as harmless or not a big deal? What motivation do they have to rethink why drugs are used? As a parent you must instigate the change through first educating yourself.
How much do you know about drugs? What drugs are commonly abused in your community? What is the paraphernalia associated with drugs? Do you hear or read terms or slang from your teen that make no sense? Music, movies, gossip at school, social media and the Internet are all places your teen is gathering information about drugs.
Educate yourself to get it done
Parents are at a disadvantage. Generations change, new trends become fashionable and, with that, so does the drug culture.
There are many ways to educate yourself as a parent. Most important is to be aggressive. From educational seminars, books, support group, counselors, therapists, doctors, support blogs, and credible websites, education and help is out there. Be open with your friends and neighbors about your efforts too.
Through education and aggressive actions you can force someone to change what they believe. When the discomfort of using outweighs the benefit, change happens.
So “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” may be true enough. But by educating yourself, you can wear your teen out on that walk to the water, so that when he gets there, you can be sure he’ll be very thirsty.
Wooton is director of Pacific Treatment Services and co-author of “Bring Your Teen Back From The Brink”. PTS is a substance abuse company working with teens and young adults. Website: www.PacificTreatmentServices.com.
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Posted by Barbara Norton
on Aug 8 2012. Filed under Columnists.
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I think many times parents don't get treatment for their kids cause they think it's a phase, or they "smoked a little pot in high school too" reasoning. Parents should know that the drugs out there now are even more dangerous and addictive than they may remember. Many don't realize that help is out there, help that is exclusive to teenagers (and not just once a week appt. counseling). It's a fact that the drug problem is getting bigger and bigger and affecting kids younger and younger. Intensive education for the whole family is vital. Thank you for writing about this!
Excellent article. So true! Thanks Will.
Bravo Will. Well said! Thank you for all you do!
I'm a mom of a 16 year old son who was using drugs. He was arrested for having a small amount of pot on him. It really isn't a big deal. The judge made him go to rehab. His counselor at Poway high told us about a local drug program at mental hospital. My son does not have mental issues. We were forced to go to this program and all my son learned was how to buy drugs. Every child there was using daily and selling to each other . The staff didn't help. A total waste of time. My son is now worse. We should have just let him work through his issues on his own.
Mom Dana, I'm SO sorry to read your post! Please believe that there ARE xlnt, strong, effective treatment programs here in our county. Be sure it is "behavior modification," not just drug education, as you described. My kid has done very well learning about his reactions and behavior and as means of learning better, more mature coping skills. He's learning how to apply all he has learned to daily living and he's grown up A LOT! Please keep trying to find a good, strong, intensive program for your son. G-d bless!
This is a great reason to make sure you "shop around" when it comes to treatment. some programs are really detrimental, while others are actually effective for the whole family.
I recommend you give Will a call as my son is alive today as a result of his program and I'm a better parent thanks to his support groups and other parents going thru the same things
I think parents & schools need to face the harsh reality: using drugs, drinking, smoking pot, destructive behaviors are symptoms of harmful beliefs in teens & uncontrollable, destructive peer pressure. We've gone thru this with our teen! Forcing effective treatment and counseling is GOOD PARENTING and a sign of responsible, caring schools! Today's marijuana is NOT the groovy, organic stuff grown in an older brother's closet of the 70's or 80's! Too many kids are using drugs and alcohol to calm their emotional adolescent "roller coasters." Mom Dana: PLEASE get ur son help now! A good treatment program WILL teach him how to live without drugs and how to thrive. Parents and educators, help save this vulnerable generation and make them & their parents get help! We got to the point where we realized our teen's "opinion" didn't count because parenting is not about democracy. Forcing him into effective treatment has once again made him nice, capable, charming, motivated and successful … instead of the mean, nasty, failing, obnoxious child he was 18 months ago! Help ur kid if ur kid needs help! Don't wait!
Neither one of my children wanted to be helped, they thought their lives were just fine. With the guidance of other parents who had a shared experience and a strong treatment program, they have learned that their lives were going nowhere. The belief that kids will be kids, or that they will work it out on their own, does not make sense when it comes to self destructive behavior and addiction. Both can cause such harm and stagnation in the growth and development of teens. It seems to me that if your strategy is to hope they come through it, you are gambling with your child's future.
Our Family will always be grateful Will. I'm sending this article to a family member in Florida. You know your stuff and this disease is cunning
Parents out there who know their children are using drugs…LISTEN to WILL ! His advice is priceless and you definitely have a better chance at saving your child if you trust in him! He is a professional …this is his expertise!
Teenagers smoking pot and using drugs are NOT exactly in the right frame of mind to make the decision for themselves if they need "help". They will not realize they need help until they are so deep into the throes of drug addiction that they can't help themselves… ..by themselves…..even if they want to!
Sometimes we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel until someone leads us to the light. Will can be your guide.
Thank you Will for all you do for our young people and their parents!
Excellent – love the approach of showing them where their life "isn't going" as that's the reality many simply won't face.
Great advise from one who knows. As I've been taught this journey to help is a marathon and not a sprint. Parents-support,strength,therapeutically guided boundary setting and stamina will get you where YOU must be if your child is ready now or later or God forbid never to take on addiction recovery.
Excellent advice……need to keep getting the word out on alcohol and drugs and teens! And, someone brought up the fact the kids are getting younger and younger….try to teach your kids the "just say no" EARLY! Don't wait!!
I am so glad that you have this colum. What you have to say is so right on. Nine years ago when we were having problems with our son the last thing he wanted was for me to have any knowledge or information and defiantly not to talk to other parents. Keep writing and keeping us informed.
I always thought that since I grew up in the seventies I'd be so much more savy and smarter about my own kid's using drugs. What never occured to me was that "knowing about " didn't mean I could stop it, or that my kid might be using stuff that wasn't around 35 years ago. It's a new ballgame. Kid's are not smoking a little pot and having a couple of beers, using visine and telling their parents that they're just tired. We live in a world where we're just glad to see our kids at home." Yay you're safe. You and Tommy go have fun in your room" and now I can go to bed. Little do you know that while you're sleeping your child has probably opened the window of his bedroom to let the pot smoke out and brought home a plethora of pills that him and Tommy will take hand over fist just to maintain some kind of high. It's a different world. Our kid's are faced with completely different challenges. Seriosly, if you suspect anything, take your teen to a professional. If you wait until they're adults, that "lead the horse to water" theory, doesn't work so much
Trying to make our teen want to quick getting was the most difficult challenge our family has faced. EVER! Punishment, reward, flat out bribery, threats all failed in the beginning. Ultimately we had to quite pushing. That meant our kid was on the street. He had no more options. He was not born to be a street kid. We learned to rely on other parents of at risk kids who had survived these difficulties. WIll's group provided the resources and support we needed until we could get our kid in a program out of Poway. 6 years ago he wasn't sure he wanted to get sober but he know he couldn't survive on his own. If you think you have an issue in your home, do something. There may come a time when you need to say " we did absolutlely everything we could even though it was painful" BEst of luck to all and thanks Will!