Cronin: A letter from the president

By Barry Cronin

Dear Hillary,

It has come to my attention that you are to be the heir apparent. Excellent news indeed! I can almost feel the  thrill going up my leg at the very thought of eight more years of progressive transformation! Consider carefully if you will the following.

Barry Cronin

First and foremost, you already own a vast swath of the electorate simply by virtue of who you are. Those people are going to vote for you no matter what, so do not overly concern yourself regarding anything you may have said or written in the past. Look at me. Do you really think any of those people actually read my book prior to going to the polls?

The mainstream media, with a few pesky exceptions, will be fully supportive. I cannot emphasize enough what a strategic advantage this represents. Trust me. They will help win the throne for you.  And as incredible as all this might sound, they will even provide you their services free of charge! Always give a good speech. Mind you, you really don’t have to say anything, you need only look and sound good doing it. They’ll fall for it every time.

A wee bit of unpleasantness. Since you and I both know what really happened in Libya, I suggest you simply adopt my strategy. Continue to ignore it and it will eventually go away. Hopefully by the time 2016 comes around, mention Benghazi and most will think you’re talking about an Italian sports car.

Likewise, the deficit. Just keep fiddling in the streets and stay away from those flames. Besides, nobody care anyway.

And what about your reputed foul mouth and ill temper? I wouldn’t worry too much about that, either. Thanks to our very good friends in the entertainment industry, these noble descendents of fools, jugglers, jesters, and clowns, your electorate is being well inoculated, programmed by a steadily increasing diet of sex, violence, and profanity.  Outrageous behavior simply isn’t that shocking anymore. In the immortal words of Kermit Tyler, “Don’t worry about it!”

A word of caution. Take very special care not to inadvertently offend the warrior class. True, their numbers are small and their influence is dwindling, but for now at least they still do command a sentimental spot in the hearts of many of your electorate and you risk losing valuable votes to the enemy if you blunder in this regard. Pay them the lip service they expect. Act solemn at their parades and ceremonies. This won’t gain you any ground, but it will help you from losing any.

The Constitution? On that topic, I’m afraid I cannot be of much help. Yes, I am aware that we do have one and that it is apparently a document of some importance. I actually saw it once. Not particularly impressed. I guess the only advice I can provide is to just go ahead and do whatever you want until too many people start complaining. Then stop.

People of faith. Interesting situation that. Turns out, they were not the problem we thought they would be. While some of our agenda is certainly in opposition to their professed beliefs, many simply will not vote their creed. Lucky for us.

This one may prove a bit difficult for you, but do try your best to act “hip” and “with it” whenever you can. I have enjoyed considerable success in this regard, as did your husband. The young love it and will give you their votes on that alone. Remember however, under no circumstances should you attempt to dance unless you actually know how to do so. Recall if you will the excruciating spectacle of Madeline Albright folk dancing with a troupe of African school kids. I still cringe. Please, do not be that politician!

Finally, probably best to distance yourself from me  ww(wink, wink) for the time being, at least publicly.

Do these things, my dear Hillary, remember this advice, and I guarantee Pennsylvania Avenue will be yours for the taking.



Cronin is a Poway resident and the assistant police chief at MCAS Miramar. Reader comments are encouraged.

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Posted by Staff on Sep 25 2013. Filed under Columnists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

22 Comments for “Cronin: A letter from the president”

  1. Guest22

    Would be amusing column if it wasn't so true. What a scary thought! For a peek inside a Clinton White House, read "Unlimited Access" by former FBI agent, Gary Aldrich.

    • Barry

      Guest 22,

      Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll have check that book out. I suspect it will corroborate a lot of the stuff I’ve been told by friends who used to work in DC during that time period (myself included for a while). Thanks again.

  2. guest

    This is the very, very tame version I am sure. Love it.

    Amy Roost is just going to blame Bush for this, too. Wait for it. Wait for it.

    • Barry


      Thanks. I suspect you’re right – it probably is tame. No way anyone could possibly blame Bush for the sad state of affairs in America today. Our beloved “Imperator” owns it lock, stock, and barrel

  3. Tom Yarnall

    You hit the nail on the head guest. She brought Bush in with comments on Letters to the Editor. Although she didn't blame him for Benghazi, that will probably come later.

    Barry, remember in 2007 when Billery was a shoo in to win the Democratic primary when out of nowhere came this Black Knight to send her packing. How ironic, and fun, it would be to see that happen again.

  4. Amy Roost

    Thanks guest and Tom for extending my brand to Barry's column inches. Actually, I've never been much of a Hilary fan. Sorry to disappoint all of you.

    I would take exception with one comment you make Barry: "And what about your reputed foul mouth and ill temper?" Ask yourself if you'd have mentioned this if Hilary were male. Probably not. How many presidents (LBJ, Nixon) swore like a truck driver. Why is that okay but Hilary's propensity for swear words is not? Because she's a woman? Puuleez!

    • Barry

      Thanks so much. Kindly rest assured, your brand is always welcome here. With respect to your objection, point well taken (as always), but I do think you may have missed the main point I was attempting. Granted the woman is reputed to be, according to multiple sources, a potty-mouthed crab, that specific portion of my column was rather an indictment of our society as a whole and particularly those irresponsible purveyors from Hollywood and elsewhere who have successfully shaped our national ethos to the point where such gratuitous sex, violence, and profanity are no longer shocking and outrageous. It's simply heartbreaking. In this case, Hillary's salty language was simply the tool I used to make that point. Gender was never a factor. Thanks again.

  5. Tom Yarnall

    Amy, your enamored respect for Obama seems to be in ideological conflict with you not being much of a Hillary fan. Now tell me , Amy, are a few conservative principles creeping into your mind set?

    • Amy Roost

      Elizabeth Warren is who I'd choose as my dancing partner Tom, if the election were held today.

      I'll save the last dance for you ;)

      • Tom Yarnall

        I eagerly accept your offer and pray you know how to do the Shimmy. :))

      • Frank

        Elizabeth Warren is not eligible to be President of the U.S. She's not a U.S. citizen. She's an Indian.

        • Amy Roost

          Wow, Frank, you make Scott Brown seem liberal.

          • Frank

            Wow, Amy, a classic non sequitur!

            Regardless, Scott Brown makes Scott Brown seem liberal. He doesn't need me for that.

          • Amy Roost

            Not a non sequitur at all if you followed the Brown/Warren campaign.

          • Frank

            Yes it is. And you've just done it again!

          • Amy Roost

            I'm at a loss here, Frank. Please explain how it is a non sequitur to compare your sarcastic remark that she can't be POTUS b/c she's an Indian to Scott Brown's ill-advised remarks about her ethnic ancestry? Elizabeth Warren is an American. She was born in Oklahoma. Her ethnic heritage is part Cherokee and Delaware Indian. Brown made an issue of her ethnicity during their campaign, just as you are in your remarks, Frank. Brown supporters mimicked Native American war cries and did the tomahawk chop at campaign rallies. What demonstration do you have planned if she runs for POTUS?

          • Frank

            Oh Amy, come on… How could you fail to see the patently obvious? – that my comment about her not being eligible for the Presidency because, as an Indian, she is not a U.S. citizen is so patently absurd and ridiculous that it cannot be missed by anyone that it is purely a piece of humor- and nothing more. Gee…I hope you don't get all twisted up and snap at the TV during Jay Leno's nightly monologue. Absurdity humor is all he does.

            You might lighten up and pull up your chain a bit. It's too easy to grab onto and jerk. You all but invited me to keep teasing you along for the rest of the thread. I'm all your fault, Amy. You made me do it.

            However, I forgive you because now you've inspired me with great idea for a demonstration if she runs for POTUS. I'll organize and lead a protest with the National Congress of American Indians for wrongful death reparations against her and her family because her white great grandfather shot an Indian. Thank you!

          • Amy Roost

            Okay. I gotcha now. Sorry, but sometimes humor flies over my head, especially when it's humor that might offend. I wish you the best of luck with your PAC, that is if the IRS ever looks at your paperwork ;)

  6. BlueDog

    In all fairness to Amy, there were many of us Blue Dog Democrats who supported Reagan but then switched to Clinton because the extreme right ideologies that followed the Reagan administration became too much to bear in good conscience. Many of over the years began to realize the dysfunction that is Hillary and promptly returned to a healthier middle ground.

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