By Barry Cronin
It has come to my attention that you are to be the heir apparent. Excellent news indeed! I can almost feel the thrill going up my leg at the very thought of eight more years of progressive transformation! Consider carefully if you will the following.
First and foremost, you already own a vast swath of the electorate simply by virtue of who you are. Those people are going to vote for you no matter what, so do not overly concern yourself regarding anything you may have said or written in the past. Look at me. Do you really think any of those people actually read my book prior to going to the polls?
The mainstream media, with a few pesky exceptions, will be fully supportive. I cannot emphasize enough what a strategic advantage this represents. Trust me. They will help win the throne for you. And as incredible as all this might sound, they will even provide you their services free of charge! Always give a good speech. Mind you, you really don’t have to say anything, you need only look and sound good doing it. They’ll fall for it every time.
A wee bit of unpleasantness. Since you and I both know what really happened in Libya, I suggest you simply adopt my strategy. Continue to ignore it and it will eventually go away. Hopefully by the time 2016 comes around, mention Benghazi and most will think you’re talking about an Italian sports car.
Likewise, the deficit. Just keep fiddling in the streets and stay away from those flames. Besides, nobody care anyway.
And what about your reputed foul mouth and ill temper? I wouldn’t worry too much about that, either. Thanks to our very good friends in the entertainment industry, these noble descendents of fools, jugglers, jesters, and clowns, your electorate is being well inoculated, programmed by a steadily increasing diet of sex, violence, and profanity. Outrageous behavior simply isn’t that shocking anymore. In the immortal words of Kermit Tyler, “Don’t worry about it!”
A word of caution. Take very special care not to inadvertently offend the warrior class. True, their numbers are small and their influence is dwindling, but for now at least they still do command a sentimental spot in the hearts of many of your electorate and you risk losing valuable votes to the enemy if you blunder in this regard. Pay them the lip service they expect. Act solemn at their parades and ceremonies. This won’t gain you any ground, but it will help you from losing any.
The Constitution? On that topic, I’m afraid I cannot be of much help. Yes, I am aware that we do have one and that it is apparently a document of some importance. I actually saw it once. Not particularly impressed. I guess the only advice I can provide is to just go ahead and do whatever you want until too many people start complaining. Then stop.
People of faith. Interesting situation that. Turns out, they were not the problem we thought they would be. While some of our agenda is certainly in opposition to their professed beliefs, many simply will not vote their creed. Lucky for us.
This one may prove a bit difficult for you, but do try your best to act “hip” and “with it” whenever you can. I have enjoyed considerable success in this regard, as did your husband. The young love it and will give you their votes on that alone. Remember however, under no circumstances should you attempt to dance unless you actually know how to do so. Recall if you will the excruciating spectacle of Madeline Albright folk dancing with a troupe of African school kids. I still cringe. Please, do not be that politician!
Finally, probably best to distance yourself from me ww(wink, wink) for the time being, at least publicly.
Do these things, my dear Hillary, remember this advice, and I guarantee Pennsylvania Avenue will be yours for the taking.
Cronin is a Poway resident and the assistant police chief at MCAS Miramar. Reader comments are encouraged.