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Gardening help: Gophers are laughing at you

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They’re baaaaaack!! The stars of “Caddyshack.” They’re down there with their toothy grins just belly laughing at you.

Gophers can make your yard look like a motocross course with mounds high enough for riders to perform their jumps.

There are five California gopher species, all known for their extensive tunneling skills. They feast on broccoli, underground cables, carrots, Cheese Whiz, earthworms, grasses, Jif peanut butter (both creamy and extra crunchy), lettuce, sprinkler systems, plant roots and, of course sheet metal.

These burrowing rodents are active at all hours of the day, year-round. They are always looking for food…and a mate. They breed like they have nothing else to do. Gophers can produce three litters per year which average five-to-six young’uns. They are born blind and helpless but the very next day, they are busy rototilling your land.

They really should dig wider tunnels. However, the building code for their residences specifies 2 to 3 inches in diameter and 6 to 12 inches below ground.

So, destroy, repel or just tolerate them?

According to University of California at Davis, the following methods of removal usually fail:

• Gassers and flares merely set off their little smoke alarms and the gophers quickly seal off their burrow. Smoke ‘em and choke ‘em works 50 percent of the time. In my case, 0 percent.

• Juicy Fruit gum supposedly gets stuck in their intestines but only cramps their style.

• Plants like gopher purge, castor bean, garlic, daffodils, marigolds and oleander – also get a big “No.”

• The little varmints are already accustomed to the noise of lawnmowers, weed wackers, vehicles and earthquakes, so ultrasonic devices won’t bother them much.

Fellow gardeners have also found that:

Traps such as the Gophinator, the Macabee and the Death Clutch wire trap all will contribute to inconsistent success. You will have better success of trapping yourself, likely your finger, than you will have catching the little buggers.

Coffee grounds, fish scraps, Tabasco, moth balls and dryer sheets are also losers.

Catch them in cages. Release them in Australia. Keep in mind, they have your address, they all have GPS and they will find you. I caught one and released it in an undisclosed area of an undisclosed business park in an undisclosed state. He beat me back home.

Flooding. Their tunnels have burrows where they store food, relax and enjoy the serenity of the flowing water. They will also appreciate the softer soil to dig

Car exhaust fumes. Only if your car gets really good gas mileage. (Really!? Who thinks of this stuff?)

Underground fencing such as ¾-inch mesh poultry wire can work. First, rent a backhoe and dig 40 feet down. If you strike oil, it’s your lucky day. You’re rich and can move away.

Otherwise, wrap the wire around your property line…at least five times, or until you get dizzy. Disregard the 2-foot depth the “experts” recommend. There is always the gopher which has advanced digging skills down to 3 feet.

Even though strychnine is the most common type of lethal method, avoid it. Your life is more important than that measly critter’s.

Professional exterminator. A licensed hired gun uses aluminum phosphide which has no residual poison. I’m still betting on the gophers. They will return and so will the exterminators.

I know, some of you may have had success with these, and perhaps other methods of dealing with gophers. However, I still believe that despite all of the above measures, the little pests will ultimately get the last laugh.

A Poway resident, Schmidt has 40 years of gardening experience.

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