Lyles: Americans must learn to love again

As America continues to become more me-centered, utility focused and organized around the needs of the self, we are losing one of the most important and essential elements required to sustain a rich and vibrant country that nurtures and enriches its members. We should appreciate the fact we’ve created a technologically-driven society capable of remarkable achievements. But we should mourn the fact that we’re becoming a culture bereft of love in all its forms. America is paying a price for squelching love’s desire, ignoring love’s poverty and denying love’s ambition.

Ancient writings rely on three distinct words for love, each with a different meaning. The three words are the Greek words éros, agape and philia.

Éros refers to “intimate love.” Plato wrote that although éros is an attraction initially felt for a person, and usually in a more physical sense, with proper contemplation it evolves into an appreciation of the beauty within that person. It might even become a deeper appreciation of beauty itself. The idea is that sensually-based love aspires to evolve to a spiritual plane of existence. Thought of this way then, the highest level of love between two people is transcendence — wholeness or perfection that resembles a state of special grace.

Traditionally, transcendence between two people has resulted éros from a successful marriage. Because fewer people are marrying and staying married, fewer people experience transcendent love. One night hook-ups and “relationships with benefits” are no substitute for inspiring love’s greatest desires or ambitions.

Agape refers to brotherly love, or charitable love. Thomas Aquinas wrote that agape love is “to will the good of another.” Willing the good of others is not the same as pleasing them with kindness.

Philia generally means “affectionate regard, or friendship, and it usually means “between equals.” It is also expressed variously as loyalty to friends, family and community. It is a more general type of love. Patriotism could be a form of philia.

Today we can find only pockets of agape or philia scattered throughout our culture. Neither can be considered to comprise the woof and the warp of our culture like they did in times past. Many churches and charitable organizations exemplify agape in its highest form. Although scattered families and groups experience philia, agape is rare as people jockey for position at the supermarket checkout line, struggle to change lanes in heavy traffic or pursue most everyday activities. Likewise philia is increasingly pushed aside by higher divorce rates that strain family bonds, declining emphasis on fraternal organizations and parents teaching selfishness rather than team performance at youth activities.

The most important role love can play for us in all its forms is to propel us outside ourselves. Although love’s desire emerges from within each person, love is not self-centered. A proper response to love’s poverty is a desire for true love on every level. The fulfillment of that love will shatter both selfishness and self-centeredness. But most important, if shared by all Americans it will make us great people and our nation a great nation.

The most meaningful accomplishments are inspired by and emanate from love. Achievements driven by love’s ambition weigh most in determining each generation’s legacy and defining its impact on the world. Works done without love are dead works. Goals accomplished without love are lifeless goals.

If our generation hopes to achieve our full potential and America’s full potential as a nation, and magnificently serve humankind to a significant degree during this century, then we must once again instill the spirit of love in all its forms in every citizen. We must learn to love again.

Lyles, a Poway resident, is a business management consultant and best-selling author. Reader comments, through letters to the editor or online at PomeradoNews.com, are encouraged.